A time to...

 I see a therapist.  He and I discuss my mental/emotional state and how I can better mitigate the sturm and drang that I face.  Losing my career well before I planned to left me with an insufficient toolbox to repair the damage caused by my mourning process.  Seeing someone who could give me tools was the only way I figured I'd make it to the other side.

Recently I have been talking about all the issues I'm facing.  I have feelings of inadequacy and a certain dread of the future.  Dr. Seth has given me some things to help it along, my favorite being to stop saying "What if?" (as in "What if I have prostate cancer?  What if my ejection fraction doesn't return to a level that will allow me to function?"), and instead say "Even if", as in "Even if I have prostate cancer, it's a relatively manageable type of cancer to have.  And Even if my ejection fraction doesn't improve, I understand my limits and will develop a new set of regimens to allow for it".

But no amount of Even If Thinking is effective 100% of the time.  There are times where the Darkness calls and there's no way to resist the siren song of Doom and Gloom.  The mind and emotions can go all over the lot.  I've been having more of that later, and asked Dr. Seth for his thoughts on how I can become more disciplined in my daily life, how to find something to hit at so I can perceive that I'm making progress.

He thought for a moment, then said "I'm not trying to be dismissive, but you ought to give  yourself some slack here.  Let's use a war analogy.  You're being shelled day and night, with multiple things happening to you all the time.  And you're complaining that the water pressure is too low.  That the trains aren't running on time.  You've got much more important things to consider, but the shelling doesn't cease enough to make a plan to help it."

And the ceiling parted.  The shaft of light came upon me.  I understood.  Dr. Seth continued:  "You need to hunker down, to protect yourself and wait for intel that can be used in a plan of action.  Waiting isn't fun, and you're a results-oriented person, but in your current situation you can't act without facts.  Your medical team needs to give you better information.  Stop wandering all over the lot.  Wait for the shelling to ease."

There's very little about that makes me smile.  But it does resonate.  I'm fighting a multi-front war, between the steriod-induced diabetes, my low ejection fraction, my ongoing adrenal insufficiency, my back, and my knees, which are probably heading for replacement if I want to "re-condition" my "deconditioned" physical state.  Oh, and did I mention that I might have prostate cancer?   Or that one or more of the 22 polyps my internist marked during my last colonoscopy as something to keep track of might be cancerous?  

But hunkering down is the right strategy for the near-to-medium term.  Only with more clarity can I hit at something that will give me a sense of forward progress.  I am fortunate that I'm insured, have a saint of a spouse who stands ready to work on my behalf, and a network that can buoy my spirits with no more than a phone call or email.  It could be worse.  Much worse.

And that's the lesson for today.  When health concerns and/or the ongoing combat with the American Healthcare system create dissatisfaction, head for the bunker.  To think you can act on your own without intel from your support team is a fool's errand.  Wait for a lull in the bombing.  Survive the attack.  Then plan how to counter attack...